Collectable toy kept in package exasperates family

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PAPULA FALLSDespite the constant pleading of his family, Papula Falls resident Bruce Kennedy refuses to remove his “Darth Tater” Mr. Potato Head toy from its original packaging.

The stubborn and deluded Kennedy continues to keep the toy in its box, cast upon a neglected shelf amongst a scattershot of pop-culture artifacts that includes a Hot Wheels Echo-1 and a Batman Pez dispenser (which Kennedy removed from the package to get to the sumptuous candy inside).

“My hope is that one day, maybe 20 or 30 years from now, Darth Tater will be worth a lot,” said Kennedy, whose knowledge of collectibles is based mostly on assumptions and a handful of American Picker episodes.

Kennedy purchased Darth Tater, a Star Wars variant of the popular Mr. Potato Head toy, when it was released by Hasbro in 2005. At the time, it retailed at $7.99 USD.

Seven years later, Darth Tater is still widely available, though now retailing at $9.99. The significance of the 25 per cent price increase has naturally been blown way out of proportion by Kennedy.

“If the jump in price indicates anything, it’s that Darth Tater could be worth almost $200 by next Christmas,” said the lackluster collector, who has no concept of supply-side economics or basic math.

Kennedy’s wife and two children have not been quiet regarding their disdain for his ignorant obsession for the never-enjoyed knickknack which is slowly deteriorating in the uncontrolled environment of his study.

“It’s not even mint anymorethe corners of the box are crushed and there’s beer splatter on the graphics,” said Jeremy Kennedy, Bruce’s fourteen-year-old son and amateur toy collector, who knows a hell of a lot more about collecting than his old man.

“His record collection is just as bad,” Jeremy continued. “He likes to boast about his David Bowie albums, but all he’s got is a scratched-up copy of Let’s Dance.”

“It’s not even like he has the full set of Star Wars Potato Heads; he only has the one,” said Cheryl Kennedy, Bruce’s wife. “I hope he’s not banking our fiscal future on the goddamn thing.”

Kennedy remains steadfast in his investment, despite the emotional toll on his loved ones from his incompetent curatorship of worthless baubles.

“Yesterday, my seven-year-old daughter was crying at me that keeping him [Darth Tater] in the package ‘makes him feel sad’,” said Kennedy. “My kids have no goddamn clue how to care for movie memorabilia.”

"When it’s passed on to their grandchildren as the Kennedy family heirloom, they’ll be glad they didn’t get their greasy, cheese-string-pulling fingers all over this priceless piece of pop culture."

Kennedy routinely ignores his daughter’s desperate wails as he pointlessly dusts his very common-place, extremely-fun-out-of-box figurine.

“Goddammit, I think she’s been watching Toy Story 2 again. Fucking Pixar.”

M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s senior pop culture correspondent whose mint-in-package collection of marital aids moulded in latex from famous adult film stars are worth a surprising amount of coin, thanks in part to inflation and the general perversions of our modern world.

OPINION: Death Star Explosion an Inside Job

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The Death Star Explosion was an inside job!

You heard me. I’m not afraid to say it.

I know it sounds “un-Imperial”, but someone needs to come right out and say what many of us are thinking.

Or maybe you think it sounds crazy. So, you’re telling me that a couple rag-tag pilots from some backwater desert planet on the ragged edges of the galaxy managed to take down the largest space station in existence with one shot from an X-Wing.

Who sounds crazier?

The “official” cause of the explosion, as explained in the 5000-page report The Galactic Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the Empire, is that one of the small ships from a squadron of Rebel Alliance X-Wing fighters launched an explosive into an exhaust port, causing a chain reaction, blah blah blah.

Exhaust port? Now I’m not a death-star mechanic, but I don’t think a potato in the tailpipe should cause the whole thing to blow up like a hungry Hutt who swallowed a thermal detonator.

And if it’s true, you’re telling me no one saw a problem with this when they built it? I know if I built something 160 kilometres round, and coated it in Quadanium Steel, I wouldn’t leave an opening the size of a freakin’ womp rat.

And the Commission report fails to answer any of the important questions:

Why did all the Bothans get off the Death Star the day before? Hmm, suspicious!

Why were all Star Destroyers away on training at the time? What were the odds?

What happened to all the records of the Alderaan Incident that were on board? Are we really supposed to believe Alderaan shot first? That’s opening up a whole other can of space slugs entirely.

It’s a known fact that the Empire was looking for reasons to invade Hoth. And, oh look, rebels destroyed the Death Star—better attack Hoth!

What’s next? Neutral Bespin? Maybe! Heck, one the MOONS of Endor! Why not? I heard rumours of Jedi living in the slimy mudhole that’s Degobah—let’s put the Stormtroopers’ boots in the bog. You know, I wouldn’t put it passed them at this point.

And now, to further add to the ludicrousness of this whole debacle, I’m hearing rumours that one of the suspects was actually Darth Vader’s son!

I’m choking with rage right now…I seriously can’t breathe… it’s like something is forcing itself around my neck, that’s how mad I am…

Sincerel—chk! CHHHCKK!—uck! ULK!

A.P. Gelineau was an op-ed contributor to The Daily Sprat, as well as a columnist for the Coruscant Daily News Feed and regular contributor to the HoloNet Free Republic. His book, Underwhelmed: The Republic’s Ridiculous Trade War, was largely lauded for its central tenant: an epic war in space shouldn’t have stemmed from something so dull.