OPINION: Death Star Explosion an Inside Job

opinion-death-star

The Death Star Explosion was an inside job!

You heard me. I’m not afraid to say it.

I know it sounds “un-Imperial”, but someone needs to come right out and say what many of us are thinking.

Or maybe you think it sounds crazy. So, you’re telling me that a couple rag-tag pilots from some backwater desert planet on the ragged edges of the galaxy managed to take down the largest space station in existence with one shot from an X-Wing.

Who sounds crazier?

The “official” cause of the explosion, as explained in the 5000-page report The Galactic Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the Empire, is that one of the small ships from a squadron of Rebel Alliance X-Wing fighters launched an explosive into an exhaust port, causing a chain reaction, blah blah blah.

Exhaust port? Now I’m not a death-star mechanic, but I don’t think a potato in the tailpipe should cause the whole thing to blow up like a hungry Hutt who swallowed a thermal detonator.

And if it’s true, you’re telling me no one saw a problem with this when they built it? I know if I built something 160 kilometres round, and coated it in Quadanium Steel, I wouldn’t leave an opening the size of a freakin’ womp rat.

And the Commission report fails to answer any of the important questions:

Why did all the Bothans get off the Death Star the day before? Hmm, suspicious!

Why were all Star Destroyers away on training at the time? What were the odds?

What happened to all the records of the Alderaan Incident that were on board? Are we really supposed to believe Alderaan shot first? That’s opening up a whole other can of space slugs entirely.

It’s a known fact that the Empire was looking for reasons to invade Hoth. And, oh look, rebels destroyed the Death Star—better attack Hoth!

What’s next? Neutral Bespin? Maybe! Heck, one the MOONS of Endor! Why not? I heard rumours of Jedi living in the slimy mudhole that’s Degobah—let’s put the Stormtroopers’ boots in the bog. You know, I wouldn’t put it passed them at this point.

And now, to further add to the ludicrousness of this whole debacle, I’m hearing rumours that one of the suspects was actually Darth Vader’s son!

I’m choking with rage right now…I seriously can’t breathe… it’s like something is forcing itself around my neck, that’s how mad I am…

Sincerel—chk! CHHHCKK!—uck! ULK!

A.P. Gelineau was an op-ed contributor to The Daily Sprat, as well as a columnist for the Coruscant Daily News Feed and regular contributor to the HoloNet Free Republic. His book, Underwhelmed: The Republic’s Ridiculous Trade War, was largely lauded for its central tenant: an epic war in space shouldn’t have stemmed from something so dull.