Man accused of being a mutant based on his superhuman flatulence
NEW YORK CITY—Like foreboding clouds that fill the city skies in the wake of impending doom, a menacing anxiety has beset the typically dauntless and unwavering members of the superhero team “The Avengers” after the induction of new superhero, Sexual Harassman.
The latest in a rotating roster of superheroes, Sexual Harassman—whose powers include mind manipulation and the dreaded Telekinetic Purple Nurple—joined the group three months ago to replace Captain America, who is still recovering from a spinal injury incurred from a miscalculated victory hug from The Hulk.
Since Sexual Harassman’s induction, morale has reportedly sunk to an all-time low, with members becoming withered husks of their former selves.
“It started off as a few harmless jokes,” said Hawkeye, World’s Greatest Marksman and long-time Avenger. “You know, some off-colour e-mail forwards about Viagra. Come to think of it, most of them I had seen before from my Uncle Wally. No one made much of it.”
According to sources at the Avengers Mansion, Sexual Harassman’s inappropriate workplace behaviour very quickly escalated mere weeks after he took up residence with Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, leaving unsuitable material bordering on pornographic throughout the complex.
“We have a white board in the Assembly Room for brainstorming offensive tactics,” said Hawkeye. “On occasion, someone defaces our prioritized list of offensive assets with a doodle of the Hulk’s gigantic green member. It might sound funny at first, but this is 2012—we have policies in place and these sorts of jokes just aren’t appropriate in a professional environment.”
Said Hulk of the graffiti, “HARASSMAN MAKE HULK FEEL LIKE PIECE OF MEAT.”
Matters escalated when Sexual Harassman walked in on Hawkeye in the mansion showers, after which Harassman repeatedly referred to him as “C—-eye” to his peers.
“That is just really inappropriate,” was Hawkeye’s response to the nickname. “Really, just demeaning. It’s going to reflect poorly on his performance evaluation.”
While Avengers like Hawkeye and Thor—whom Harassman regularly calls “Sergeant Beefcake” and “the Swedish guy who raped Lisbeth”—have reported decreased morale and lowered self-esteem, those who bear the brunt of Harassman’s behaviour are the female Avengers.
Once a proud and self-sufficient super-heroine, the Black Widow has been reduced to a meek and tyrannized shell of a human being, according to Avenger and in-house psychotherapist Dr. Karla Sofen, a.k.a. Moonstone.
“Black Widow has been the victim of ‘patting’, relentless stalking, and persistent invitations to perform ‘Slavic fellatio’—the details of the act being unknown and best left that way,” reported Dr. Sofen. “This highly sexualized behaviour dehumanizes women and leads to psychological stress in the workplace.”
Tony Stark, a.k.a. Iron-Man, the de-facto leader of the Avengers, has reported a decline in Black Widow’s job performance as she can barely bring herself to work and has missed out on entire weeks of pre-emptive raids on hidden bastions of Skrull enclaves.
“I think the common misconception about superheroes is that we just punch our problems away,” said Stark. “Why doesn’t Black Widow just snap his neck? Because she’s a human being with real feelings, despite the fact that she can put her fist through your breastplate.”
After much difficulty in reaching him for comment, Sexual Harassman only had this to say: “If she didn’t want it, she’d zip up her top.”
Tony Stark acknowledged that Sexual Harassman was a poor choice for inclusion in the Avengers team, though he remarked that Harassman was not the first regrettable inductee, citing former superhero-turned-hobo D-Man and accused sex offender Starfox.
Sexual Harassman will likely find himself facing harsh disciplinary action now that the latest incident in which he “sexted” pictures of his erect penis to Stark’s assistant, Pepper Potts, have become disclosed to the media. Tony Stark reported that Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. has become involved; Harassman’s suspension from the Avengers is the most likely scenario.
Says Stark, “Prospective replacements are being sought; however, we find ourselves in the same situation that we were in before, looking for a last-minute replacement.
“Captain Hamsteak is currently our top pick, but that’s only because anything’s better than bringing back Ant-Man.”
M. Scott Caldwell is the Daily Sprat’s resident social psychologist, whose book, PTSD and You: Partners in Your Crippling Agoraphobia, was a “gripping rollercoaster ride from start to finish, with everything you need for an exciting thriller and dissertation on psychological trauma.” Ron Howard is set to direct the adaption for 2014.