Catwoman ruins another sandbox
KINGSTON, JAMAICA—A body that washed up on the shores of Jamaica two days ago has been identified by investigators as Peter Cornelius Dyson VI, otherwise known as “Doctor Necrosis”.
The limbless remains of Doctor Necrosis—also known as “The Welsh Frankenstein”, “The Malicious Overlord of the Badger People”, or “Cap’n Petey” by his friends—was found on the beaches of Montego Bay, two hundred kilometres south from the Island of Imminent Peril, the lair and high-tech volcanic island fortress of Doctor Necrosis.
Lead investigators are certain that Doctor Necrosis was overthrown in a coup d’etat by his own Evil Henchmen, who dumped his malevolent remains into the cold embrace of the Caribbean Sea. The henchmen have since taken charge of the Doctor’s lair and its nuclear-powered, laser-guided Death Cannon.
General Douglas M. Fraser of the United States South Command, in a joint effort with CIA, MI6, and the Caribbean Community, helmed the investigation.
“We began the investigation two weeks ago, when a video was uploaded to the YouTube channel ‘Badgers4Life’ showcasing what appeared to be the man known as Doctor Necrosis being tortured by his league of minions.”
The video, which reached over two million views and over 973,000 “likes”, was later confirmed to be authentic footage of a race of anthropomorphic badgers brandishing AK-47s and plasma beams, while rabidly gnawing off the limbs of Doctor Necrosis. A badger holding a rifle and hiding his identity with a kerchief spoke to the camera.
“We have brought down the pitiful Doctor Necrosis and stand bravely in command of the Island of Imminent Peril and all its assets!” said the unidentified talking badger. “The Death Cannon, the Laser Swans, the itching-powder toothpaste manufacturing plant—now ours!”
“Henceforth, throughout the universe, it shall be known as the Golden Age of the Mighty Badgers!”
Toby, one of the lieutenants of the newly formed Allegiance of Badgers, gave his insight into how the mad Doctor was brought down so easily.
“It was surprisingly easy,” said Toby. “The Doctor was by-the-books. He gave each of his minions a Disintegrazer ray, while he only carried a single, gold-encrusted revolver supposedly stolen from the corpse of his rival, Professor Torment. He used it exclusively in case of dramatic standoffs. We Disintegrazed it.”
According to Toby, the Doctor’s lair was very quickly and easily overrun as security procedures were virtually non-existent.
“Everyone had Level 5 clearance. From the basketball court to the Nefarious Sciences wing—we had free range. Even the housekeeping staff could go into the Experimental Walrus Bomb lab.”
Political scientists and other academics all agreed that with the opportunity to bring down the Necrosis regime a coup would be inevitable. Theorists have tried to pinpoint the straw that broke the henchman’s back, but the badgers themselves have offered up their reasons behind the bloodshed.
“Union contracts,” said Toby, “specifically cuts to important benefits, like dental and life-altering-mutation insurance. Some of us have families to think about. If I get pushed into a lava pit by Captain Alpaca, I want my sow and cubs provided for.”
Other badgers, however, cited more politically driven motives for the coup.
“He [Doctor Necrosis] was a corporate tool,” said Patty, a newly promoted Sergeant Major. “He created this image of himself as a ‘chip-on-his-shoulder’, subversive renegade going against the establishment. But it was just a brand name he hid behind so that he could keep selling arms to the American military.”
“Nope,” rebutted General Fraser. “Believe me. He didn’t have anything we wanted. Even his death laser was three-miles short of a nuclear meltdown. If he was dealing, maybe it was to Cuba. They’re unscrupulous.”
The death of Doctor Necrosis and the unexpected rise of organized badger villainy have left political commentators and defence strategists puzzled about the future balance of costumed power in the Americas. For General Fraser, however, it’s just another day.
“It’s been a crazy run,” reminisced the military commander. “Doctor Necrosis’s schemes never amounted to more than broken toys and damaged egos. Our counter-operatives and superheroes consistently foiled his laughable plans.”
“But,” Fraser continued, “He was a great change of pace from the South American shadow-governments and drug cartels we usually deal with. I only hope that the Allegiance of Badgers will be half as fun.”
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s senior supervillain and badger taxonomy correspondent. His recent memoirs, The True Cost of Living, details the frailties of the human spirit and the redemptive process of a childhood lived through the glossy, plastic eyes of Michelangelo, the Ninja Turtle with the orange bandana. It won a Delete Key Award.