Sequel trend for upcoming games inspires E4 this August
Millions of gamers across the world came to the sudden, frightening realization that video games are simply not fun anymore.
“It cannot be denied any longer,” said Entertainment Software Association spokesperson, Rob Golfi. “Video games have ceased to produce a pleasurable experience for the common consumer.”
“The industry is no longer sustainable,” Golfi continued, who has already packed up his office into a faux-wood-print cardboard box. “I don’t know what’s coming to replace it, although I suggest moving all of your investments into whoever makes paddle-balls.”
On the heels of a major gaming season, starting with Gears of War 3 in 2011, to the recent release of Mass Effect 3—which sold 890,000 copies on the first day of release in North America—the sudden disinterest in gaming comes as a complete shock to the industry.
While shareholders reel, wondering why industry leaders had no inkling of the coming catastrophe, it seems that gamers themselves are just as perplexed.
“I don’t know what it is,” said Matt Blasinsky, former gamer of Columbus, Ohio. “I used to really enjoy fighting off dragons with my destruction spells and fending off hordes of apocalyptic aliens while finding time to bang women outside my species. But, now all I want to do is be productive at my job, maybe get in some overtime.”
“I can’t imagine why on earth I enjoyed run-and-gunning prostitutes in my stolen FBI sedan,” said Donna Fern of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. “I’d much rather be organizing my bills and getting caught up on paperwork.”
This sudden desire to be productive and follow through with one’s responsibilities seems to be the new cultural paradigm that has former gamers in a chaotic dither to get their shit together.
“Why would I want to play out the fantasy of being a member of an assassin’s guild on the cusp of the Italian Renaissance, when I could be helping my dad clean out the garage and finish my dissertation on the Crimean War?” says Tim Reubens of Athens, Georgia, a formerly avid Assassin’s Creed fan.
Other goods and services have also been markedly affected by the sudden and steep downturn in video gaming. Frito-Lays has already announced record drops in sales. Hundreds of pizzerias are near bankruptcy as all-night gaming is now faux-pas.
“Video game enthusiasts made up a very large portion of our consumers,” said Red Bull spokesperson Penelope Hurwitz. “These same people are now getting a decent night’s rest, spending time with their children, having wholesome meals with family. All of this healthy eating and activity really kills our sales.”
Since the surprise mass-moratorium on gaming, many students and professionals have reported an unfamiliar feeling that can only be described as “focus”, which is coupled with a decrease in the constant nagging feeling felt throughout the day to go back home and finish a quest, known as “The Itch”.
Even church attendance has had a small but significant jump in the last week.
“It seems that people who had formerly structured their lives around worshipping the Triforce have needed something to fill that void,” said Archbishop Peter Usili. “So, why not fall back on the old standards?”
“As much as fake-worshipping Elune was more spiritually rewarding than letting my life be dictated by old men in robes, sitting on hard wooden pews and being guilt-tripped every weekend is much more fun,” said Heather Cervenka, former World of Warcraft player and recent Roman Catholic convert.
This sudden and unexpected progression in modern civilization and immense public interest in the arts, sciences and spirituality is expected to last until Assassin’s Creed 3 is released on October 30, 2012.
M. Scott Caldwell is too busy building a mosaic of Leonardo da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man out of Rubix cubes to do a decent parody of a writer’s bio footer. So suck it.