Folowing rumours he may be father to rebel leader, Darth Vader orders paternity test
Seemingly mundane Boba Fett poster reveals causality between moral ambiguity and fragmented identity
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA—From his hyperbaric throne room at Facebook’s Menlo Park Headquarters, His Most Holy and Beloved Emperor Marcus Zuckerburg announced a nefarious partnership with the Dark Lord Bono of the Irish rock band, U2.
The merciless and superfluously-bespectacled Lord Bono formed an alliance with Emperor Zuckerburg after the announcement of the Great and Venerated Facebook becoming a publicly-traded company.
“Our Brother Bono and his vast business empire will make for an important strategic asset in the coming consummation of my Grand Arrangement,” said Our Lord Zuckerburg to the raucous press corps that was present in His throne room. “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.”
Bono the Merciless, the Braggart, the Intolerable, has since 1990s held a ludicrous magnitude of influence and clout from his monumental endeavours in the music industry and philanthropy.
Lord Bono has held sway as managing director of the investment firm Elevation Partners with his mighty Hibernic fist. The firm has purchased up to a $270 million share of Facebook and with Facebook now going public, Elevation Partners will have a net return of $1.5 billion. This will make Lord Bono the richest musical tyrant in the known galaxy, easily beating ex-Beatle and Knight, Sir Paul McCartney.
“I was but the learner; now I am the master,” remarked Lord Bono in an earlier interview outside Menlo Park’s Zuckerburg Monument Promenade.
Emperor Zuckerburg Himself stands to become one of the richest sentient lifeforms on Earth, with His own personal share in the company standing to be worth an estimated $24 billion.
Facebook’s announcement of its Initial Public Offering came as a shock to some, resulting in a deal of criticism from some users. Many felt the social network was already a highly profitable private company and voiced concerns over an increasing advertiser presence. Those users were quickly tagged as Traitors of the Emperor in all of their public photos and had their Farmville accounts suspended—a swift and just punishment.
Despite a hard line against the rebel scum, Emperor Zuckerburg did acknowledge that such concerns stewed upon His own infallible mind, but in His infinite wisdom, He knew the decision was righteous.
“As Emperor, I aim to counter the increasing threats against the Online Democratic Republic of Facebook from Google+, Twitter, Microsoft and all other enemies,” proclaimed His Holiness. “But, as you are all aware, Loyal Subjects, talk is cheap and in this game it’s all about the Benjamins.”
The Emperor made his first move by strategically purchasing photo-sharing service, Instagram, a far-sighted maneuver proving the awesomeness of Brother Zuckerburg’s intellect.
“By purchasing an otherwise profitless social tool for billions of dollars, new technology start-ups will be begging to be assimilated into our Empire and the larger Grand Arrangement,” said His Supreme Omnipotence Emperor Zuckerburg.
“There is no need to conquer when the world demands to be ruled!”
The Emperor’s monumental and ingenious arrangement with the Dark Lord Bono brings together yet another perfect strategy, expected to garner thousands of Likes across Facebook.
“This alliance is an important step in the future of Our Great Facebook,” said Emperor Zuckerburg. “It will ensure the propagation of our mighty empire, built on the need for humans to connect with one another and solidified by the need of employers to sift through the documented evidence of their applicants’ drunken debauchery.”
After market closing today, His Most Holy and Beloved Emperor plans to use his obscenely gratuitous investment returns to buy the entire stock exchange.
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s senior stock market analyst. He recommends investing in The Daily Sprat. Your kid’s college fund? Sprat. Your vacation savings? Sprat. Got an elderly relative whose close enough to death that the body could be sold to science? Put that cheque right into Sprat. (NASDAQ: DSP)
Photo texture credit: Mayang Adnin
PAPULA FALLS—Two science fiction geeks who were presumed to be heterosexuals made revealing statements in an argument over the comparative merits of Captains Han Solo and Malcolm Reynolds of Star Wars and Firefly, respectively.
Data entry-clerk/fan-fiction writer David Cabrini argued in favour of the rugged yet dashing scoundrel-turned-hero Han Solo (Harrison Ford), whiles his childhood-friend, Todd Whitman, expounded the virtues of brawny but quick-witted anti-hero Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion)—conversations which belied a deeper homoerotic subtext to which neither party would readily admit.
“Han Solo is independent—he doesn’t follow the whims of anybody but himself,” argued Cabrini, who could barely conceal his passion for the untameable rogue.
“But Malcolm Reynolds is someone you can relate to,” countered Whitman, “someone in a difficult position, leading a team, unsure of himself, making mistakes, but still wanting to do the right thing.”
Whitman added: “And he’s fun and witty—you could hang out at the gym with that guy. You know, shoot the shit in the locker room or the sauna.”
Cabrini and Whitman spent over an hour discussing the various aspects of what made their heroes “real men”, listing resourcefulness, compassion, an ease of style, and a good grasp of weaponry—with an emphasis on pistols—all the while, the two friends stared wistfully into the other’s eyes.
Over the course of the discussion, the point shifted from extolling the characters’ virtues of chivalrous badassery to illustrating the appealing attributes of the actors who portrayed them.
“You’re so totally wrong—this is Harrison Ford we’re talking about,” spoke Cabrini in a tone that would have evoked from passerby analogies to the arguments of a married couple. “The man is 69-years-old and he could still fuck you up.”
“Maybe he could fuck me up—I am a little doughy around the edges,” said Whitman, in a subtle moment of sensitivity disguised as self-deprecation, “but Fillion’s still young and in top physical form and I bet he could plow Ford.”
“Oh, you’re not doughy, dude,” Cabrini retorted, taking the opportunity to stick in a compliment before playfully poking Whitman in the stomach.
Despite the fact that two seemingly straight men were having a deep discussion on the attractive qualities of two metaphors of manliness, Cabrini and Whitman continued to dance around the obvious, each making vain attempts to diffuse suspicion, but often failing outright.
“I like women, believe me,” said Whitman, chuckling nervously. “But c’mon, given the chance, wouldn’t you go to bed with Nathan Fillion? You know—if the opportunity came up, a one-time thing. Just to say you did it, you know?”
“I don’t think we can hang out with each other anymore,” half-joked Cabrini, knowing he could never truly express the inner turmoil in his heart.
Both feeling uncomfortable, the conversation quickly devolved into a half-mumbled discussion of how great it would have been to have seen Christina Hendricks in a full-frontal scene starring her large, milky-white bosom in the “Our Mrs. Reynolds” episode of Firefly.
Never reaching a definite conclusion on the argument, Cabrini and Whitman were able to come to a complete agreement that Captain Jack Harkness of Torchwood was pretty enough to consider sleeping with without it counting.
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s resident sandwich artist who got pulled off the prep-line to fill in for writers on sick-leave with malaria.