MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA—From his hyperbaric throne room at Facebook’s Menlo Park Headquarters, His Most Holy and Beloved Emperor Marcus Zuckerburg announced a nefarious partnership with the Dark Lord Bono of the Irish rock band, U2.
The merciless and superfluously-bespectacled Lord Bono formed an alliance with Emperor Zuckerburg after the announcement of the Great and Venerated Facebook becoming a publicly-traded company.
“Our Brother Bono and his vast business empire will make for an important strategic asset in the coming consummation of my Grand Arrangement,” said Our Lord Zuckerburg to the raucous press corps that was present in His throne room. “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.”
Bono the Merciless, the Braggart, the Intolerable, has since 1990s held a ludicrous magnitude of influence and clout from his monumental endeavours in the music industry and philanthropy.
Lord Bono has held sway as managing director of the investment firm Elevation Partners with his mighty Hibernic fist. The firm has purchased up to a $270 million share of Facebook and with Facebook now going public, Elevation Partners will have a net return of $1.5 billion. This will make Lord Bono the richest musical tyrant in the known galaxy, easily beating ex-Beatle and Knight, Sir Paul McCartney.
“I was but the learner; now I am the master,” remarked Lord Bono in an earlier interview outside Menlo Park’s Zuckerburg Monument Promenade.
Emperor Zuckerburg Himself stands to become one of the richest sentient lifeforms on Earth, with His own personal share in the company standing to be worth an estimated $24 billion.
Facebook’s announcement of its Initial Public Offering came as a shock to some, resulting in a deal of criticism from some users. Many felt the social network was already a highly profitable private company and voiced concerns over an increasing advertiser presence. Those users were quickly tagged as Traitors of the Emperor in all of their public photos and had their Farmville accounts suspended—a swift and just punishment.
Despite a hard line against the rebel scum, Emperor Zuckerburg did acknowledge that such concerns stewed upon His own infallible mind, but in His infinite wisdom, He knew the decision was righteous.
“As Emperor, I aim to counter the increasing threats against the Online Democratic Republic of Facebook from Google+, Twitter, Microsoft and all other enemies,” proclaimed His Holiness. “But, as you are all aware, Loyal Subjects, talk is cheap and in this game it’s all about the Benjamins.”
The Emperor made his first move by strategically purchasing photo-sharing service, Instagram, a far-sighted maneuver proving the awesomeness of Brother Zuckerburg’s intellect.
“By purchasing an otherwise profitless social tool for billions of dollars, new technology start-ups will be begging to be assimilated into our Empire and the larger Grand Arrangement,” said His Supreme Omnipotence Emperor Zuckerburg.
“There is no need to conquer when the world demands to be ruled!”
The Emperor’s monumental and ingenious arrangement with the Dark Lord Bono brings together yet another perfect strategy, expected to garner thousands of Likes across Facebook.
“This alliance is an important step in the future of Our Great Facebook,” said Emperor Zuckerburg. “It will ensure the propagation of our mighty empire, built on the need for humans to connect with one another and solidified by the need of employers to sift through the documented evidence of their applicants’ drunken debauchery.”
After market closing today, His Most Holy and Beloved Emperor plans to use his obscenely gratuitous investment returns to buy the entire stock exchange.
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s senior stock market analyst. He recommends investing in The Daily Sprat. Your kid’s college fund? Sprat. Your vacation savings? Sprat. Got an elderly relative whose close enough to death that the body could be sold to science? Put that cheque right into Sprat. (NASDAQ: DSP)