Dr. Mario denies being in the pocket of Big Pharmaceutical
TOAD TOWN, MUSHROOM KINGDOM—The recurring identification of Italians with mobsters was once again established as a universal truth after an Italian plumber was found attempting to stash away 500 coins worth of super ‘shrooms in a Toad Town drainage tunnel.
Police Chief Seamus McToad of the Toad Town Police Department reported at a press conference that Mario Mario, a human migrant worker, was caught in a subterranean service tunnel attempting to make a drop-off with the drugs in question.
“The suspect has been working on a migrant visa with the Toad Town Sanitation Commission for the past year. He’s had regular access to the service tunnels.”
Leading to the arrest was a prolonged rescue mission by police and fire after Mario had disappeared into the tunnels for days. Mario was eventually found while attempting to stow an unmarked attaché case in a punched-out section of brick wall.
Under reasonable suspicion, police searched the case and found five pounds worth of Super ‘Shrooms.
McToad also reported that upon apprehension, Mario showed clear signs that he had ingested hallucinogenic and performance-enhancing substances.
“Mr. Mario had become twice what we consider a normal size for a human, indicating that he had eaten a measure of Super Mushrooms himself. And when we attempted to subdue him, he attacked several officers, believing he possessed the ability to throw fireballs from his palms.”
Mario’s blood later tested positive for shrooms and fire flower, a plant with psychoactive properties.
Mario’s brother, Luigi Mario, is also working in Toad Town on a visa and was shocked to hear of his brother’s involvement in criminal activity. The brothers had been sponsored by Princess Peach Toadstool and granted room and board in the royal palace.
“My brother, he a good-a man-a,” said Luigi. “He work-a hard-a to bring-a money to his-a children in old-a country. The children, they no see their a-papa. They think he-a dead-a. Man do-a craze-a thing-a for he-a children. The baby-mama, she-a porca puttana.”
Police do not believe at this time that Luigi is connected to his brother’s dealings. He has claimed that during Mario’s absences, he was in the constant, bewitching presence of the alluring Princess Peach, in one capacity or another.
Princess Peach was unavailable for comment, though her attendant, Toadsworth, issued a statement which denied any knowledge on the Princess’s part in Mario’s criminal activity.
“Since the Mario Brothers have taken up residence in our palace, the Princess has been consistently in the presence of the other, ganglier brother, Luigi. You know, ‘entertaining’ him, ‘holding court’, you understand. We’re all adults.”
“To be clear,” continued Toadsworth, “the Princess is not particularly fond of Mario. He has made multiple unwanted advances on Her Highness. And she has compared him to ‘a sweaty Danny Devito with a greasy moustache’.”
Mario was being held in a county courthouse, but has since been moved to a maximum security facility after an inmate passed him a super ‘shroom, which Mario then consumed. He was later found attempting to punch his way through a prison wall.
He has since been clubbed down to regular size.
Related Article: Attempt to rescue plumber from city drainage on its fifth day
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s chief international law correspondent and has written several papers on Mushroom World jurisprudence, which have been published off his inkjet.
TOAD TOWN, MUSHROOM KINGDOM—Rescue crews are working through their fifth straight day as attempts to retrieve a human plumber trapped within the city drainage systems prove fruitless.
Mario Mario, an Italian migrant worker employed by the Toad Town Sanitation Commission, was seen entering a large drainage pipe that serves a nearby castle. He never came back from the drain.
Mario’s brother, Luigi Mario, also residing in Toad Town on a migrant worker visa, was the first to notify Toad Town PD of his brother’s absence, although two days had already passed since Mario was last seen.
“Mario, he’s-a always gotta-be a pain-a in my neck-a, always going where-a he no supposed to go-a,” said Luigi. “Once-a, we work-a on a rich mans-a house-a. He always go in-a-da fountain and scoop-a all-a-da coin out. If his mama see-a da mess-a he in-a! Quell’uomo è una stronzo stupida.”
Princess Peach Toadstool, heir to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, showed deep concern for the trapped man as she made a tour of the rescue mission.
“I know the Marios personally. It’s been hard enough for them to live in a strange foreign land, populated mostly by anthropomorphic mushrooms.”
"I acted as their sponsor for their visa applications and gave them a residence in the servant barracks on the palace grounds,” she continued. “I hope and pray Mario will soon be back on the surface, alive and in good health.”
Luigi also showed concern for his brother’s safety, especially as Mario had already been missing for 48 hours before the rescue attempt was underway.
“I no could know Mario was-a gone! The barracks, I no stay. The princess-a… she invite-a me to the palace-a. Just-a for the night-a. We just-a talking. She like-a to talk-a.”
As to how Mario became trapped at all, Sanitation Commission engineer Sporus Shiitake commented.
“At this particular drainage entrance, there were no safety rails. If Mr. Mario had been doing maintenance in this section, he could have easily taken a fall ten times his height, which would have broken his legs, if not killed him.”
“Unless,” Shiitake continued, “he had somehow doubled his height, making the drop shorter in a relative sense. Of course, that notion is just plain silly.”
Police chief Seamus McToad further elaborated on the dangers which Mario may be facing, if injured or lost. “Miraculously, we didn’t find the crumpled heap of his bleeding and broken body at the bottom of the drop. However, locating him has been a problem as he seems to be on the move.”
“Something must be driving him forward rather than wait for rescue,” continued McToad. “It’s possible he came across roving street gangs, who often use the tunnels for dealing ‘shrooms’.”
An alternative effort is being made to lure Mario back by cooking up a pot of marinara and wafting it down the tunnel.
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s senior Mushroom Kingdom correspondant and has recently published a book on the Toad species, Toad: A Peaceful and Succulent Race.