Folowing rumours he may be father to rebel leader, Darth Vader orders paternity test
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA—From his hyperbaric throne room at Facebook’s Menlo Park Headquarters, His Most Holy and Beloved Emperor Marcus Zuckerburg announced a nefarious partnership with the Dark Lord Bono of the Irish rock band, U2.
The merciless and superfluously-bespectacled Lord Bono formed an alliance with Emperor Zuckerburg after the announcement of the Great and Venerated Facebook becoming a publicly-traded company.
“Our Brother Bono and his vast business empire will make for an important strategic asset in the coming consummation of my Grand Arrangement,” said Our Lord Zuckerburg to the raucous press corps that was present in His throne room. “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.”
Bono the Merciless, the Braggart, the Intolerable, has since 1990s held a ludicrous magnitude of influence and clout from his monumental endeavours in the music industry and philanthropy.
Lord Bono has held sway as managing director of the investment firm Elevation Partners with his mighty Hibernic fist. The firm has purchased up to a $270 million share of Facebook and with Facebook now going public, Elevation Partners will have a net return of $1.5 billion. This will make Lord Bono the richest musical tyrant in the known galaxy, easily beating ex-Beatle and Knight, Sir Paul McCartney.
“I was but the learner; now I am the master,” remarked Lord Bono in an earlier interview outside Menlo Park’s Zuckerburg Monument Promenade.
Emperor Zuckerburg Himself stands to become one of the richest sentient lifeforms on Earth, with His own personal share in the company standing to be worth an estimated $24 billion.
Facebook’s announcement of its Initial Public Offering came as a shock to some, resulting in a deal of criticism from some users. Many felt the social network was already a highly profitable private company and voiced concerns over an increasing advertiser presence. Those users were quickly tagged as Traitors of the Emperor in all of their public photos and had their Farmville accounts suspended—a swift and just punishment.
Despite a hard line against the rebel scum, Emperor Zuckerburg did acknowledge that such concerns stewed upon His own infallible mind, but in His infinite wisdom, He knew the decision was righteous.
“As Emperor, I aim to counter the increasing threats against the Online Democratic Republic of Facebook from Google+, Twitter, Microsoft and all other enemies,” proclaimed His Holiness. “But, as you are all aware, Loyal Subjects, talk is cheap and in this game it’s all about the Benjamins.”
The Emperor made his first move by strategically purchasing photo-sharing service, Instagram, a far-sighted maneuver proving the awesomeness of Brother Zuckerburg’s intellect.
“By purchasing an otherwise profitless social tool for billions of dollars, new technology start-ups will be begging to be assimilated into our Empire and the larger Grand Arrangement,” said His Supreme Omnipotence Emperor Zuckerburg.
“There is no need to conquer when the world demands to be ruled!”
The Emperor’s monumental and ingenious arrangement with the Dark Lord Bono brings together yet another perfect strategy, expected to garner thousands of Likes across Facebook.
“This alliance is an important step in the future of Our Great Facebook,” said Emperor Zuckerburg. “It will ensure the propagation of our mighty empire, built on the need for humans to connect with one another and solidified by the need of employers to sift through the documented evidence of their applicants’ drunken debauchery.”
After market closing today, His Most Holy and Beloved Emperor plans to use his obscenely gratuitous investment returns to buy the entire stock exchange.
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s senior stock market analyst. He recommends investing in The Daily Sprat. Your kid’s college fund? Sprat. Your vacation savings? Sprat. Got an elderly relative whose close enough to death that the body could be sold to science? Put that cheque right into Sprat. (NASDAQ: DSP)
PAPULA FALLS—Despite the constant pleading of his family, Papula Falls resident Bruce Kennedy refuses to remove his “Darth Tater” Mr. Potato Head toy from its original packaging.
The stubborn and deluded Kennedy continues to keep the toy in its box, cast upon a neglected shelf amongst a scattershot of pop-culture artifacts that includes a Hot Wheels Echo-1 and a Batman Pez dispenser (which Kennedy removed from the package to get to the sumptuous candy inside).
“My hope is that one day, maybe 20 or 30 years from now, Darth Tater will be worth a lot,” said Kennedy, whose knowledge of collectibles is based mostly on assumptions and a handful of American Picker episodes.
Kennedy purchased Darth Tater, a Star Wars variant of the popular Mr. Potato Head toy, when it was released by Hasbro in 2005. At the time, it retailed at $7.99 USD.
Seven years later, Darth Tater is still widely available, though now retailing at $9.99. The significance of the 25 per cent price increase has naturally been blown way out of proportion by Kennedy.
“If the jump in price indicates anything, it’s that Darth Tater could be worth almost $200 by next Christmas,” said the lackluster collector, who has no concept of supply-side economics or basic math.
Kennedy’s wife and two children have not been quiet regarding their disdain for his ignorant obsession for the never-enjoyed knickknack which is slowly deteriorating in the uncontrolled environment of his study.
“It’s not even mint anymore—the corners of the box are crushed and there’s beer splatter on the graphics,” said Jeremy Kennedy, Bruce’s fourteen-year-old son and amateur toy collector, who knows a hell of a lot more about collecting than his old man.
“His record collection is just as bad,” Jeremy continued. “He likes to boast about his David Bowie albums, but all he’s got is a scratched-up copy of Let’s Dance.”
“It’s not even like he has the full set of Star Wars Potato Heads; he only has the one,” said Cheryl Kennedy, Bruce’s wife. “I hope he’s not banking our fiscal future on the goddamn thing.”
Kennedy remains steadfast in his investment, despite the emotional toll on his loved ones from his incompetent curatorship of worthless baubles.
“Yesterday, my seven-year-old daughter was crying at me that keeping him [Darth Tater] in the package ‘makes him feel sad’,” said Kennedy. “My kids have no goddamn clue how to care for movie memorabilia.”
“When it’s passed on to their grandchildren as the Kennedy family heirloom, they’ll be glad they didn’t get their greasy, cheese-string-pulling fingers all over this priceless piece of pop culture.”
Kennedy routinely ignores his daughter’s desperate wails as he pointlessly dusts his very common-place, extremely-fun-out-of-box figurine.
“Goddammit, I think she’s been watching Toy Story 2 again. Fucking Pixar.”
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s senior pop culture correspondent whose mint-in-package collection of marital aids moulded in latex from famous adult film stars are worth a surprising amount of coin, thanks in part to inflation and the general perversions of our modern world.