Webster changes the definition of “movie” to “n. live action comic book”
PAPULA FALLS—Despite the constant pleading of his family, Papula Falls resident Bruce Kennedy refuses to remove his “Darth Tater” Mr. Potato Head toy from its original packaging.
The stubborn and deluded Kennedy continues to keep the toy in its box, cast upon a neglected shelf amongst a scattershot of pop-culture artifacts that includes a Hot Wheels Echo-1 and a Batman Pez dispenser (which Kennedy removed from the package to get to the sumptuous candy inside).
“My hope is that one day, maybe 20 or 30 years from now, Darth Tater will be worth a lot,” said Kennedy, whose knowledge of collectibles is based mostly on assumptions and a handful of American Picker episodes.
Kennedy purchased Darth Tater, a Star Wars variant of the popular Mr. Potato Head toy, when it was released by Hasbro in 2005. At the time, it retailed at $7.99 USD.
Seven years later, Darth Tater is still widely available, though now retailing at $9.99. The significance of the 25 per cent price increase has naturally been blown way out of proportion by Kennedy.
“If the jump in price indicates anything, it’s that Darth Tater could be worth almost $200 by next Christmas,” said the lackluster collector, who has no concept of supply-side economics or basic math.
Kennedy’s wife and two children have not been quiet regarding their disdain for his ignorant obsession for the never-enjoyed knickknack which is slowly deteriorating in the uncontrolled environment of his study.
“It’s not even mint anymore—the corners of the box are crushed and there’s beer splatter on the graphics,” said Jeremy Kennedy, Bruce’s fourteen-year-old son and amateur toy collector, who knows a hell of a lot more about collecting than his old man.
“His record collection is just as bad,” Jeremy continued. “He likes to boast about his David Bowie albums, but all he’s got is a scratched-up copy of Let’s Dance.”
“It’s not even like he has the full set of Star Wars Potato Heads; he only has the one,” said Cheryl Kennedy, Bruce’s wife. “I hope he’s not banking our fiscal future on the goddamn thing.”
Kennedy remains steadfast in his investment, despite the emotional toll on his loved ones from his incompetent curatorship of worthless baubles.
“Yesterday, my seven-year-old daughter was crying at me that keeping him [Darth Tater] in the package ‘makes him feel sad’,” said Kennedy. “My kids have no goddamn clue how to care for movie memorabilia.”
“When it’s passed on to their grandchildren as the Kennedy family heirloom, they’ll be glad they didn’t get their greasy, cheese-string-pulling fingers all over this priceless piece of pop culture.”
Kennedy routinely ignores his daughter’s desperate wails as he pointlessly dusts his very common-place, extremely-fun-out-of-box figurine.
“Goddammit, I think she’s been watching Toy Story 2 again. Fucking Pixar.”
M. Scott Caldwell is The Daily Sprat’s senior pop culture correspondent whose mint-in-package collection of marital aids moulded in latex from famous adult film stars are worth a surprising amount of coin, thanks in part to inflation and the general perversions of our modern world.