March 2012
53 posts
9 tags
Gun-pointed-at-own-head emoticon desperately needed
February 2012
52 posts
9 tags
Holodeck locked, running “Orgy” program; Captain Picard cannot be reached for comment
11 tags
“Your ‘B’ button sticks,” says man losing game
8 tags
Quantum physicists desperately search for alternate universe where Oscars aren’t still being talked about
15 tags
Yes, this f***ing map, again
JOSH’S BASEMENT, SPRINGFIELD—Great, this goddamn map again.
This has to be the worst map in all of First-Person-Shooter history. Christ, there were two other choices. Who, WHO would vote this pile of crap of a map into play for the fourth time? I guess everyone has a boner for huge maps with no cover, bottlenecked entrances and spawn points next to cliffs. Yes, great, I’ve fallen into the...
9 tags
AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS: Woody Allen actually in Men’s Room, licking up cocaine residue.
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AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS: Meryl Streep does another line of coke off the toilet seat waiting for everyone to leave the Men’s Room
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AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS: Brat Pitt also drops a deuce, is holding out for Jonah Hill to leave washroom first
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AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS: Jonah Hill drops a deuce, won’t leave stall until washroom clears out
11 tags
John Williams demands his Oscar eleven hours early to “get this bulls*** over with”
7 tags
Mistaken identity almost results in Spider-Man attacking Octavia Spencer
10 tags
Kung Fu Panda 2 nomination obvious sign that Pixar released nothing great last year
12 tags
Federation suspends Prime Directive upon discovery...
USS MEERKAT, SOMEWHERE IN THE ALPHA QUADRANT—Citizens of the United Federation of Planets are still reeling after two shocking announcements were made: the Federation Council has suspended the Prime Directive in the case of a newly discovered planet and the aforementioned planet is populated entirely by Hipsters.
Several days ago, the USS Meerkat stumbled upon the M-class planet on an unrelated...
8 tags
Class action lawsuit against Professor Gandalf after preventing his students from passing
7 tags
Samas Aran Yoga cripples a dozen people
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Suspicious cardboard box ignored by henchman as it inches closer
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Man struck by meteor gains the super ability to turn into a crater
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Hundreds of ensigns party as phasers set to “fun”
11 tags
Editor’s statement of article’s inability to write itself proven true
10 tags
New “Nerfherders Feed Cities” campaign launched to boost PR
10 tags
10-year-old boy voice chatting on XBox Live mistaken for teenage girl, scarred for life
7 tags
Thousands still trapped in the land of Skyrim, rescue uncertain, Doritos supply dwindling
8 tags
New anime created for sole purpose of seeing female cosplayers
7 tags
Another web-comic abandoned five days after...
COLUMBUS, OHIO—Brad Myles, otherwise known by his penname “The Periwinkle Knight”, has abandoned his web-comic after a mere five days.
Myles, a 37-year-old male living with his mother, had lofty hopes to pump out a daily comic during a sabbatical from his seasonal work as a parking-lot attendant/lawn maintenance technician for his neighbours.
Myles foolishly envisioned a consistent daily output...
11 tags
Call of Duty night ruined after Steve brings chardonnay instead of pinot grigio
7 tags
Catholic Church opposes “God Mode”
10 tags
Thirty-three World of Warcraft gold farmers trapped in mine
9 tags
Nine-character-long emoticon accurately represents emotion
9 tags
Local virgin wonders if Skype sex with a Paladin counts
6 tags
Nintendo cartridge only thing getting blown around here
12 tags
“The Science of Love, for the Love of Science”
Aperture Laboratories New Weighted Companion Cube Dating Site
Meet Bill, Test Subject #678. His story is a typical one here at Aperture Laboratories. Bill finds himself in the perfect sterility of the Relaxation Vault, awakened from stasis with the great privilege to participate in an Aperture Science Enrichment Center test program —only to be ensnared by grief at the sudden realization that he...
7 tags
404 Error message recalled: file fell behind desk
5 tags
Lemmings tired of being treated like Lemmings
9 tags
Hypocrite can’t believe he saw Episode One in theatres, even after his lengthy rant. Just… f****.
6 tags
New iBoat continuously synching
11 tags
Hero of Hyrule defeated by chickens
KAKARIKO VILLAGE, HYRULE—Link, the Hero of Hyrule—eradicator of the arachnid Gohma, annihilator of the Dragon Volvagia, and innoculator of the evil plague beset by the Gerudo king, Ganondorf—was defeated by chickens.
Residents of Kakariko Village looked on with a mixture of alarm and amusement as the champion of the mighty Hylian race was descended upon by a vengeful brood of cuccos, a breed of...
9 tags
Terrible movie with awful special effects, now updated in 3D, still terrible
10 tags
New moon discovered orbiting Jupiter “is no moon”, says Jedi astronomist
7 tags
Spock deported
7 tags
Newt comments on illegal aliens: “They mostly come at night, mostly”
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Newt Gingrich promises a phaser in every hand and a holodeck in every home
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Entire office agrees halftime show was definitely the most overproduced clusterf*** waste of technology ever
8 tags
“Free roam my ass,” says local man flying...
LIBERTY CITY—Tired of living in the vacuous confines of Liberty City, former resident Pete O’Connor took to the sky in a stolen police attack helicopter and headed into open waters.
Some experts are saying O’Conner, who has lived in the borough of Broker for 23 years, is suffering a “mental relapse”. Others suggest his abdication of civilized society is a logical reaction to a diminishing...
7 tags
Man at Superbowl party has NO f***ing clue what’s going on
7 tags
Man dips Doritos in something unconventional, starts cooking blog
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Fifth and sixth body found as the hunt for the Evil-Ex-Boyfriend killer ramps up
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Vulcan spills the beans: salute actually means “f*** your mom”
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Multiple Jedis arrested, one on trial after...
CORUSCANT, GALACTIC REPUBLIC—To a repertoire that includes Force jumping, Force pushing, and Force crocheting, the Jedi Order can now add Force molesting.
According to the Republic Security Forces, several arrests have been made with one trial already underway after a number of younglings professed to being grabbed, groped, and fondled without ever being physically touched by their...
7 tags
Five of your sims died while you were taking a s***
9 tags
Teenager in emo attire thinks Koopa-shell pin somehow ties it all together
